


Call It What You Want

by Meowser_Clancy



Series: Madney Moments [22]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: AU, F/M, Sense and Sensibility AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27519979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meowser_Clancy/pseuds/Meowser_Clancy
Summary: College AU with a quiet riff on Sense & Sensibility. "Nice guys finish last?" Hen asked wryly. "Not at all," Howie replied. "She has a boyfriend. I'm not the kind of guy to break them up, or wait around to see. I just hope she's happy." Madney.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Madney Moments [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748338
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey, y'all. If you've been following me at all, then you know that I love Sense and Sensibility. This story will have Maddie in the Marianne role, Howie as Colonel Brandon, and Doug as Willoughby. I couldn't think of an equivalent character who could be Elinor so I'm just leaving that alone. This will also have a modern college setting. I do recommend the 1995 film directed, written by, and starring, Emma Thompson but if you haven't seen it, you can still enjoy this with zero prior knowledge
> 
> Enjoy~Meowser

She was in his sociology class.

Howie was the professor's aide, and he was mainly in charge of grading. She always did well on written assignments, as well as exams.

Maddie Buckley impressed him.

"You know she has a boyfriend, right?" Hen asked one day as they got lunch together. She took a bite of her sandwich.

Howie flushed, putting the assignments back in his bag. He hadn't thought he'd mentioned her so much to Hen previously that she'd take note of it. "Why does that matter? I'm not interested like that."

"Like hell you aren't," she said dryly. "You've been talking about this girl since the beginning of the semester. How pretty her hair is, how she's so involved in class."

"I never said her name," he said.

Hen shrugged. "Call it what you want," she said. "I saw her name on the paper you were grading and I recognized it. Maddie Buckley is in my nursing classes with me."

"Well, now you know that I wasn't exaggerating," Howie said, ducking his head. "So how well do you know her?"

"We studied together for the midterm, that's it," Hen said. "Her big scary boyfriend came to pick her up every time."

"What does that mean?" Howie questioned.

She shrugged. "I just got bad vibes, it's probably nothing. She's a smart girl so I doubt it's anything more than a feeling I got."

Howie was silent, picking up one of Hen's chips and biting into it. They were in the common area, the sun wasn't too hot, but Hen had scored one of the only tables with shade as usual. She had weird luck picking tables.

"Hey, I have to meet up with Karen," Hen said. "We're going apartment shopping since she's off this afternoon."

"Exciting," Howie said absently.

"Hey," she said, almost sharply. "You're a good guy, Howie. You deserve more than mooning over a girl with a boyfriend."

"I'm not," he said. "I didn't know before today so you're right, I'll drop it."

"So no more nice guys finish last?" Hen asked wryly.

"Not at all," Howie replied. "She has a boyfriend. I'm not the kind of guy to break them up, or wait around to see. I just hope she's happy."

She ruffled his hair as she stood up. "I think Karen knows someone I could set you up with," she said. "Want to bite?"

"I'll let you know Friday," he mumbled.

* * *

Maddie hurried out of her A&P class, checking her phone. It was just past 12:30, it wasn't so late that Doug would be mad. She had just wanted to stay and talk over a problem with her professor, and they'd lost track of time. She really appreciated how helpful Professor Lovelace was, and planned on taking A&P II with her as well.

Doug would be annoyed though. She just hoped he hadn't gone into anger territory.

It wasn't his fault he'd be mad. It really wasn't. He was so stressed, he was about to take the MCAT and had been studying his ass off. She just had to be understanding.

She didn't see the flaws in her reasoning, she never wondered why he never showed the same considerations for her. The rose colored glasses still had a firm hold on her, and she fiercely loved him.

He was going to be a heart surgeon. What was more selfless? He was entitled to some emotion and stress. He was just passionate sometimes.

She passed through the commons, and saw the aide from her sociology class sitting by himself with papers spread in front of him. She paused, wondering if she dared to stop and ask him if he'd graded her paper yet. She really needed an A in this class, but it had been at the bottom of her study list, and she was worried about her most recent one.

She checked her phone again and Doug still hadn't messaged.

She took a deep breath and walked over to where Howard sat, deep in his thoughts.

"Hi, Howard," she said, and he looked up. She saw clear surprise on his face, and he pulled out his earbuds.

"What's up, Maddie?" He asked.

"I know it's not Monday," she said. "But I was really worried about that most recent paper so when I saw you, I figured I'd stop and ask if you had graded mine yet. If not, it's whatever, but I thought it didn't hurt to ask."

"Yeah, I did actually," he said, rifling through the papers. "Hang on, I know I just had it."

She studied him as he looked. He was solidly built, subtle muscles were clear through the fabric of his sweater. Tanned, and his Asian ancestry gave him a kind, open face.

He was actually pretty cute.

She immediately pushed the thought from her mind, reminding herself that she had a boyfriend. This line of thinking was entirely inappropriate.

He pulled out another stapled set of papers, and handed it to her. "You did fine," he said. She rifled through it, seeing the places he'd marked off, and then the overall grade on the last page.

"Thank you," she said, surprised.

"It wasn't my work that got you that," he said, taking it back.

"Well, thank you for letting me see it early," she said, smiling at him.

"No reason not to if it's done," he shrugged. "See you next week, I suppose."

"Yeah," she said, smiling back at him. "Next week for sure."

She hurried away, but found herself looking back over her shoulder at him. She was shocked to find that he was watching her go, and he quickly ducked his head, pretended that he wasn't.

Maddie swallowed, wondering at the odd zing that shot through her heart when she'd realized he was watching her.

She had a boyfriend. She had no business letting her heart zing about other guys.

Her phone buzzed, and she knew without checking that it was Doug. She didn't have time to consider what her weird feelings might mean.

Doug was waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

Doug was already mad by the time Maddie reached the car. "I told you what time I'd be here," he said, slamming his hand on the steering wheel. "You always make me wait."

"I'm sorry, I had to ask my TA something," she rushed to say. "I didn't want to be worried about that test."

"You could have emailed the teacher," he said. "You know I'm in a hurry, and I'm nice enough to pick you up and drive you home after classes, but still, you make me wait."

"Sometimes I can't help it," she protested, and her minor disagreement made him clench his fists. "If a lecture goes over, am I just supposed to leave?" Her voice raised without her meaning to, and she bit her lip.

"Why not? Why is your teacher rambling more important than me being on time to my _job_ , Maddie? I have a very important job that I can't be late to, and it wouldn't kill you to leave on time for once," he said.

She wanted to say that this was the first time she'd been late in three weeks, but she bit her tongue, forcing herself to stay silent. That would only fan the flame, and Doug was unconvincable in this mood. It was pointless.

"Silent now, huh?" He asked. "Because you don't have an excuse and you know it. Just learn to respect people's time, okay? Especially when they are doing you a favor since you don't own a car."

"Okay," she said, just as they pulled up in front of their apartment complex. He never went inside to drop her off in front of their apartment, he dropped her at the gate. "I'll see you tonight," she began, and he grabbed her wrist as she started to open the door.

"No goodbye kiss? What are we turning into?" He asked, holding so tight it hurt.

She leaned to quickly kiss him, but he grabbed her neck and held her there. She bit back the thought about how if he was in such a hurry, how did he have time for this?

He let go of her, finally, and honked the horn as she started to walk away. She turned, wondering if he'd forgotten something, but he was already driving away and she had a feeling he'd only done it to prove that he could make her turn around.

She walked to the apartment gate, punched in the code, and hurried through. Their neighborhood was okay, but she'd seen guys staring at her from the apartments on the higher floor multiple times, and she didn't like the feeling it gave her. She always hurried.

College was fine, school was good. Her only worry was Doug, and she knew that that would get better once he was out of school, and his stress level was down.

And they'd get married, and make a life together, like they'd always said they would.

She put her books down, and walked to the bathroom to wash her face, almost gasping when she saw her reflection in the mirror. There was a large bruise around her wrist where he'd gripped her.

He'd never left a mark before. He'd gotten mad, sure. But he'd never done something like this.

She instinctively grabbed a long sweater to cover it, shrugging her hand up far into the sleeve so there was no chance anyone would see it. She didn't want them to think the wrong thing. Doug wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't. He just lost his temper sometimes.

* * *

She always got to school three hours early, because that's when Doug had time to drop her off. She'd told him multiple times that she could just walk, it would only take her around forty five minutes, but he always scoffed at the idea.

So here she was, at the campus coffee shop, fumbling inside of her backpack for her wallet. And she wasn't finding it. The cashier was staring at her, as she'd just placed her order, and Maddie was starting to panic.

"I'm sorry, I can't find my wallet," she said, and finally turned around to the person behind her. "You can go in front of me," she said, ducking out of line, and walking to one of the tables. She put her backpack down, desperately rifling through it. She always, always kept her wallet in the same compartment; one on the inside with a zipper. If it wasn't there, she had to have left it at the apartment.

That shouldn't have been a big deal, since she always had at least a granola bar in her backpack, but her keys were attached to it. That meant, when Doug dropped her off, she'd have to make him come up to unlock the door for her. She shuddered. She could just imagine his reaction to that, and it wasn't a pleasant thought.

"You okay?"

She glanced up, and it was her Sociology TA standing there. "Howard. I'm fine, thanks."

"Call me Howie, we're not in class," he shrugged. "Looks like you lost something."

She bit her lip. "I just left my wallet at my apartment, no big deal," she said, zipping the backpack closed.

"Well, hey, let me buy your coffee," he replied. "You can just Venmo me the total, or whatever app you use."

"I don't have any kind of cash apps," she hedged. "But I can just bring you cash-cash."

"That works too," he said. "What can I grab you?"

"I really don't even need coffee today," she said.

He raised an eyebrow. "You're in college, Maddie. There is no day where you don't need coffee."

She had to laugh at that. "I'll just take a small regular," she said, choosing the cheapest thing on the menu.

He shook his head. "I have never seen you drink that," he said. "You always come in with the iced swirly ones."

She flushed, and then turned the tables back on him. "So you've been paying attention to what I drink?" She challenged, and he flushed in return.

"Come on, just tell me what you really want," he said. "Don't worry about it."

"Iced mocha frappe," she admitted. "I only let myself have it on Wednesdays, it's my guilty pleasure."

"So do you have a morning class?" He asked as they got back in line.

"Not on Wednesdays," she shrugged.

He grinned, looking around them. "Then why are you here at eight a.m. when you could be home asleep?"

She flushed again. "This is when my ride can drop me off," she shrugged. "I live close enough to walk but they don't like that."

They. Her ambiguity annoyed her. Why hadn't she just said _boyfriend_? That's what Doug was. Her boyfriend.

"Makes sense, you have to stay safe," he said. "This is a decent neighborhood, but still."

He ordered for both of them, and once they had their coffee, she fidgeted opening the straw, trying to think of something to say so that she could escape. Being around Howard...Howie...made her nervous. It wasn't that he was a bad guy, or that he gave her bad vibes. Quite to the contrary, he was hilarious when he lectured on the teacher's off days, he was a fair grader, and he was very kind and lenient about due dates if students had a good reason.

So why was she nervous? She tapped her finger against her cup, puzzling it out, and almost choking on her coffee when she realized.

She remembered the zing on Monday when she'd left him, and she remembered how her heart had jumped today to hear his voice. On some level, she liked him. She was attracted to him. It was the only thing that explained her sweaty palms and nervous tics that only popped up when she was stressed. Talking with a guy that her boyfriend would punch in the face if he knew what she was thinking about? That was a stressful situation. She couldn't afford any rumors flying around either, so she quickly stepped back, away from Howie. "I actually have a-a study date," she stammered. "I'll see you in class, and I'll bring the money."

He opened his mouth to speak, but she was already rushing away, not staying to hear it.

* * *

"Don't worry about it," Howie began, but Maddie was already dashing away. He could tell she'd been lying about her study date, and he wondered if he'd overstepped a boundary by buying her coffee. To be fair, if he'd seen any of his students lose a wallet just now he would have paid for their coffee. He was just that kind of guy.

But he knew it was different with Maddie, for how he felt about her. He couldn't deny those feelings. They swirled around his chest, made it difficult to breathe during class when he lectured, and she laughed.

He sighed, taking another sip of coffee. He couldn't afford to be standing around staring after Maddie Buckley. He had a class to help teach. Professor Nash was accommodating, but he expected Howie to be on time, especially since he was handing back grading before class today. He wished that Maddie's class was today, not Thursday, but he knew that was an unhealthy desire, and quickly squashed it. He remembered Hen's words, and knew he had to just forget this whole thing.

He picked up his phone, and texted Hen. **Hey. I guess I'm feeling desperate, might as well set me up for Friday**

It's not like the girl he wanted would pay any attention to him. No more nice guys finish last.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Descriptions of abuse.

Tatiana was a tall redhead, with a sensuous smile, and a wry laugh. She liked Howie's stories about misadventures as a TA, and she didn't like it when the talk turned personal.

Howie looked at the woman sitting across from him, wondering why he wasn't more interested. He could work with someone who didn't like to share personal details; after all, you didn't have to spill your whole life story on a first date.

She smiled again, a gesture that didn't fully reach her eyes. Howie wasn't a psych major, but he knew enough about body language to read that. She wasn't fully interested either.

So that's why it surprised him when, at the end of the night, Tatiana stood and stretched a hand to him. "My place or yours?"

"Mine is fine," he said, his reflexes defaulting to just answering the question.

"Let me go touch up my makeup and we can go," she said, her hand briefly clenching on his arm. She walked away, hips swinging, and Howie went to his phone, feeling dazed.

He opened his email out of habit; students tended to email at the odd hours, and his heart beat twice when he saw the sender on his most recent email.

 **From** : Buckley, Maddie 

**Sent** : Friday, October 30, 2018 8:47 PM

 **To** : Robert Nash , Howard Han 

**Subject** : SOCIO 101-3457

Professor Nash,

I will unfortunately be unable to make it to class on Tuesday, October 27. Something came up with my family, and I have to drive home over the weekend. I have already asked Josh Russo if he could take notes for me, and he said he could. I am asking that you excuse my absence. I will work extra hard to catch up for the day I will miss. I am so sorry that I won't be able to attend.

Thank you so much, Maddie Buckley

* * *

 **From** : Howard Han .

 **Sent** : Friday, October 26, 2018 8:50 PM

 **To** : Buckley, Maddie , Robert Nash

 **Subject** : Re: SOCIO 101-3457

Maddie,

Please don't worry about it. I'll make sure to mark you as excused. I hope that your family is doing better by the time you reach them.

Regards, Howie Han

* * *

Tatiana had returned from the bathroom by the time he'd finished typing the email, and she quirked her brow to see him on his phone.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "Had to reply to a student email."

She smiled. "Did someone else try to lie about their dad having a heart attack?" She joked. "Or let me guess, their internet went out just before taking a quiz."

He laughed politely, but somehow, after what Maddie had emailed, her joke fell flat, even though it referenced his stories from earlier in the evening. "Close," he said. "But this is one of the only students who's taking this class seriously, so I tend to believe her."

"Her?" Tatiana winked. "Someone has a teacher assistant's pet."

He flushed. "Not at all," he said, but he, again, didn't like the way she'd teased him. "She was having a family emergency, yes. But I believe her."

"Of course," Tatiana almost purred. She ran her fingers across his chest. "What I wouldn't have done for a TA as cute as you back in college." She winked at him. "The dirty fantasies I have...I wouldn't object to going onto campus to play in your classroom."

He felt a little dazed. He was suddenly erect in his pants, picturing what she'd described, but there was an element of something else to his mood. Uneasiness. He could tell what she was asking for, what she was after.

And it wasn't Howie himself. It was Howie, the teacher's assistant. "I'm actually not feeling that great," he said. "I think the food gave me something."

She stiffened, and moved her hand away. He grabbed it before she could pull away fully. "I'm not faking this," he said, suddenly insecure because of how quickly she'd lost interest. He hated himself for doing this, but for some reason, he couldn't stop himself. She was the first woman to show any interest in months, even if it was for the wrong reasons. "Cross my heart."

She relaxed, just a little. "You did have seafood," she said, curling her lip. "Text me then, hey?"

"I will," he said, waving. She turned to go, and then leaned to place a kiss on his cheek.

"Let me know when you want me to make your dirty dreams come true," she said, and walked away, hips swaying. "You know you want me to," she called after herself, and Howie just waved again.

He should be following her, taking her back to his place, getting her out of that dress that was sexy as fuck.

But instead he stood on the curb, hands in his pockets, fingering his phone. He finally pulled it out, and saw a reply from Maddie. It simply said: Thank you.

He wanted to reply again, extend this interaction, but he knew he was being a damn fool. He dropped his phone back into his pocket, and walked back to his car.

* * *

Maddie put her phone down with trembling hands, tears still wetting her cheeks. She was in the bathroom at her apartment, as she had been for the past forty five minutes. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking, and outside, she could still hear Doug's music playing loudly. He hadn't left yet.

She stared at her reflection, blinking slowly as if to confirm that what she was seeing was true. She had a black eye. First the wrist, now her eye. Doug had had a bad week, she didn't even blame him. He'd lost his temper; it happened to everyone.

She just had to stop crying.

She took a deep breath, and heard the music pause. "Maddie?"

She didn't answer, she didn't know what to say.

"I'm still not going to be able to drive you on Tuesday," he said, his voice getting louder. "And you'll regret it even more if you walk."

"I know," she finally replied. "I emailed all of my teachers, and told them I'd be unable to come to class."

"You know I didn't mean to hurt you," he continued, and he was right outside now. "But you made me so mad. Why did you push me, Maddie? I told you, you can't go to class Tuesday, but you had to argue with you."

"I know," she said. "I'm sorry."

He sighed, loudly, the sigh of someone who thinks they're being oppressed. "I'm not the bad guy here, Maddie."

"Of course not," she said.

"I'm just trying to help you," he said.

"Yeah," she replied, splashing water on her face.

Another long pause. "Are you going to come out? I have to take a piss."

She bit her lip, but walked to the door, unlocking it, and twisting it open. He stood there, staring at her, and she started to walk past him, but he grabbed her phone.

"Doug," she said, trying to get it back, but he was too tall. It was unlocked still. He could access everything. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you didn't say anything stupid to your friends about our fight," he said. "You know how you can overreact."

"I didn't say anything," she said, and it was true. She'd been too shaken to do anything but email her teachers.

He still didn't give her phone back. "Doug," she repeated. "Give me my phone back."

He did, smiling at her. "You lied to your teachers for me," he said. "I like that."

"You looked at my email?" She asked, and the smile faded.

"Why can't I?" He asked, advancing on her, and she tried to back away. "What are you hiding, Maddie?"

"Nothing," she gasped. "I just-my email-"

"If you aren't hiding anything, you shouldn't be scared of me reading your emails," he said. "Maybe I should make this a regular thing."

She didn't answer, just curled her arms closer to herself. He rolled his eyes. "Why do you have to act like I'm going to hit you?" He said, annoyance in his voice, and walked back to the bathroom, slamming the door.

She opened up Safari, and opened a private window, her fingers flying as she typed.

**How do I know if I'm being abused?**

She heard the toilet lid slam, and the toilet flush, and she closed the window before she even hit send.

She walked to the living room of the apartment, sitting down by her laptop again, and trying to study, or at least look like she was studying.

"You can get some concealer for that, right?" Doug asked, standing in the doorway. "I mean, you don't have anything to do this weekend, so it should fade by next week anyway."

"I have volunteering," she began, but he raised a brow.

"Cancel it," he said, as if she was the stupidest person alive to not have already done so.

"It's last minute, they won't be able to find a cover-" she began again, and he stepped forward.

"Cancel it, Maddie," he repeated, and she nodded.

"I'll text her right now," she said, her hands beginning to shake anew.

Things had never been like this. They had fought before, of course, and she'd seen Doug's ugly side, but it had never been even close to this.

It had to be an anomaly. He hadn't said anything, but maybe he'd gotten bad news at work. It was just a bad week. She'd go out tomorrow and get concealer and wine from the drugstore at the corner, and she'd be waiting for him tomorrow.

Yes. That was it. She'd cook something simple, or order takeout. They didn't have many groceries, and he wouldn't like it if she went shopping without him.

"I can make dinner tomorrow," she offered. "Grab some wine at the drugstore, we can make a night of it."

"That sounds great," he said. "A good way to make up for how shitty you were this week."

"Yeah," she said, trying to keep her breathing normal. "Exactly."

He was deep in a medical textbook now, and Maddie's fingers flew as she opened a private window on her laptop, and again typed the words:

**How do I know if I'm being abused?**

She read through the articles, constantly on edge, and on the lookout to see if Doug was paying attention, but thankfully, he was in deep study mode.

She didn't like the answers she saw, so she desperately searched for more, trying to find something to validate her need for it to not be true.

**If my boyfriend hits me, am I abused?**

**What is abuse?**

**How to tell if my boyfriend is abusing me**

Article after article was screaming at her to leave him, to report him to the police, and Maddie finally closed the private window, and slammed her laptop shut. He was her boyfriend. She'd never report him to the cops, it would ruin his life. She loved him, and he loved her. He'd had a bad week.

She kept repeating the words in her head that whole damn weekend. He'd had a bad week. He'd had a bad week. It wasn't his fault. He'd had a bad week.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: talk of abuse.
> 
> A/N: I'm going through alot rn but I still wanted to get an update up, plus spending some time with Maddie helped me process my own emotions. As it usually does. ~Meowser

He wasn't driving her Tuesday, but he made it very clear that she had to put some concealer on and plan to be there Monday. When she briefly mentioned being nervous about the black eye, he just laughed. "You're clumsy, Maddie. Why even hide that? Hell, I bet you could go to your classes and just tell them you fell and they'd believe it. You did fall, honestly."

He smiled at her, and her stomach twisted. She put the finishing touches on her makeup, but she knew that anyone with two brain cells could still tell. She'd just get to class late, and leave early, without talking to her usual friends.

It would be fine.

Doug dropped her at the front of school as usual, and by default, she headed for the coffee shop. She was already halfway there before she stopped to consider that that might not be the best course of action, but shook her head. It's not like anyone there even knew her name even though she went there multiple times a week, and had been since the semester started. She walked the rest of the way, letting her hair fall in front her face as much as possible, and hugged her sweater tight around her as she waited in line. She had her wallet; she'd triple checked after last week, and she was ready to just order, and get out.

She raised her eyes, and froze. Of course. The one person who'd actually pay enough attention to notice that something was up...was standing in front of her. Howie.

He shifted to slide his phone into his back pocket, and his eyes lit up when he saw her. "Maddie," he greeted, and the smile on his face honestly shocked her to the core of her being. Happiness. Joy, even. He was happy to see her. She wondered when the last time was that she'd actually seen Doug happy, seen him smile because she'd joined him. It was always bitterness, criticizing her, just going in and venting about his day before she even got to say hello.

And here was Howie, whose careful eyes had already caught the makeup, and his smile was wilting.

"Hi," she said simply, and then realized she still hadn't paid him back. "Hey, let me get yours today," she said, as he stepped up to order. "Remember, I owe you."

The cashier took this in stride. "So it's together?"

"Yes," Maddie said, before he could protest.

He ordered, and she did too, handing cash to the cashier before stepping over to stand with Howie. "You didn't have to do that," he said. "Really. But I thank you. I appreciate someone who pays their debts."

"You're welcome," she said simply, letting her hair slide in front of her face again. She knew she was being a fool to think that this wouldn't be a tell to anyone who knew her. She always had her hair off of her face, clipped back or in a ponytail. She was also terrified that people would get a closer look, so she'd leave them with weird.

Howie looked at her, tilting his head. "Aren't you...out of town?" He asked slowly, and her eyes widened.

How could she have been so stupid? She'd lied in that email.

"Oh my god," she said. "So yes, I was going to be. But I couldn't at the last minute."

"So you'll be on campus tomorrow?" He said slowly.

She hated herself in that moment. She hated herself for lying, she hated herself for getting caught, she hated herself for being so stupid. "No, I can't," she said, and she could feel the threat of panicked tears. "I'm so sorry for not letting you know, but I still can't be on campus tomorrow even if I'm not..out of town."

Her name was finally called, and she went to grab her cup. Her hands were shaking so badly that she almost dropped it.

"Maddie, are you okay?"

His voice sounded like it was coming from a distance, and she struggled to find the words. She was having a full on panic attack, and she just knew she had to get away.

The coffee slid from her now numb hands, and she stood there, just watching it spill onto the floor. Howie's voice still sounded like it was an echo from far away. "Maddie!"

His hand was on her shoulder, gently shaking it, and Maddie snapped back to the present, seeing the scene around her. Everyone was staring.

She drew in a choked sob, and then ran from the coffee shop.

* * *

This time, he followed. He knew that this was probably a stupid idea, but he didn't care. Maddie was obviously the farthest from okay that a person could be, and he was not letting her go through this alone.

She whirled around when she realizing he was following her, and she was sobbing. "Please," she said. "I didn't mean to lie, I just can't tell the truth. Please don't tell Professor Nash. I can't lose my scholarship, I can't drop out."

The tears just kept falling, and she seemed utterly unable to control her reaction to this. "Maddie, I don't care about that," he said, and again, reached to touch her shoulder. "I just want to know if you're okay."

She shook her head, the sobs just increasing, and he took out his phone. "You like cats, right?" He asked, pulling up a picture of the Lees' new kitten. "Look at my friend's kitten."

She slowly seemed to be coming back to herself. He swiped through the whole series, letting her look at all of them, and finally, he pulled a tissue from his pocket. "Here," he said. "Now why don't we go sit down, and we can talk?"

Her body was still shaking, and she just nodded, slowly following him to a table on the edge of the quad. They sat down, and he handed her another tissue, and then carefully reached over to help her take her backpack off. He took the water bottle from the side pocket, and handed it to her. "Have a drink," he suggested, unscrewing the cap for her, and she did so, finally calming as she sipped it. "Do you want to talk?" he asked, after she'd finished. "Or do you need to just sit here? I'm okay with either."

She was folding her arms again, hugging them around her, and there was nothing he wanted more than to just embrace her, hold her, tell her it was going to be alright. That there was nothing she couldn't fix, and that he'd be there for her, every step of the way.

But he couldn't do that, of course.

She drew in a shaky breath, and slowly pulled her hair behind her ears. Her crying and subsequent rubbing with a tissue had succeeded in rubbing off any makeup she'd had on, and she confirmed what he'd already suspected.

She had a black eye.

"You know, it just wasn't the greatest weekend," she said. "Plus my...emergency...I swear, I didn't mean to lie, but the truth is…"

"Too hard to say?" he asked gently. "Maddie, I don't care what you have to do tomorrow. It is not worth this mental anguish. I'm not going to say anything and you aren't going to be punished. Period."

She managed to nod, but he could see the tears welling in her eyes again. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry. I'm not usually like this."

"Maddie, it's obvious there is something more than just college stress at play here," he said. "I'm not saying you need to tell me what it is, but you know we have counselors on campus, and they're free with your tuition. It could be really helpful to talk to them."

"I can't," she said. "I just can't."

He bit his lip. "Under Title IX, anything you tell me, or any teacher, we have to report. We're designated reporters. Only the counselors don't have a duty to report."

She tossed her hair back, looking at him straight in the face. "What if I told you something not as a student to teacher?" She asked. "But as friends?"

He cleared his throat. "It would depend on the situation," he said honestly. "But I want to let you know, that depending on what you tell me, I might have to report it."

She shook her head. "Would the campus even get involved if it didn't happen on campus?"

What? He wanted to ask, but he held himself back. "It depends," he said.

"The...the...other...person...involved isn't, um, a student," Maddie began, dragging her words out, and Howie remembered what Hen had said about a big, scary boyfriend. He had a sick feeling in his stomach.

"Like I said, it would depend on the situation," he said. "Anything that I tell the Title IX coordinator would protect your privacy as much as possible."

She looked away, and then looked back to meet his gaze again. "Can you promise to not tell?"

"I just said that I can't," he said. "I wish I could but I'm a university employee. Maddie, we don't have to talk about this. I can set you up with one of the counselors."

She looked tortured. Tears were brimming in her eyes, and she was desperately clutching at her sweater, twisting the ends. He'd hate to see anyone like this, so miserable, and obviously terrified, but to see Maddie like this was a special kind of hell, especially when he couldn't reach over and touch her; comfort her.

He just wanted to touch her shoulder, let her know it would be okay, and open his arms for the hug she probably needed.

She hadn't said anything for a few moments, and Howie opened his own water bottle, taking a long sip, and using the moment to consider his next steps. "You okay?" He asked her, leaning forward as she opened her mouth.

"He hit me," she whispered, the words halting. "My boyfriend. He hit me, and he...he laughed."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read with caution. TW: Talk of abuse.

Maddie finally felt like she could breath. The words were out. She looked across from her at Howie, and he sat there, his face unmoving for a moment.

"I'm so sorry," he finally said, shaking his head. "I honestly don't have words."

She felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and she inhaled, taking another drink of water. "It hasn't been like this before," she said. "It hasn't. We've always fought but he just...he hit me, and that's different, right?"

"Yeah," he said softly. "It's very different."

"So what now?" She asked.

"I can go to the Title IX coordinator, and see what they decide to do," he said. "Or you and I can go to the police right now."

Her breath caught. She wanted this to end, she didn't want Doug to ever touch her again, but she still loved him. She couldn't do this. She couldn't ruin his life.

"No, no," she rushed to say. "One mistake shouldn't ruin his life. He wants to be a heart doctor, you know. He's going to save lives."

Howie bit his lip. "Maddie...if you tell the truth right now, it doesn't ruin his life. He ruined his life, when he decided to let anger overcome him, and when he hit you. All you are doing is telling people who he really is."

She had started to cry again, without even realizing it. "I don't want this to be a thing," she said. "I just want it to stop."

"This kind of stuff?" Howie said. "It doesn't stop. Abusers don't wake up and suddenly stop abusing overnight."

"He's not an abuser," she insisted, feeling the panic returning.

"Maddie, I-" Howie began, and then just paused. She pressed her eyes closed, trying to stop crying, and then suddenly she felt a gentle touch on her hands. She opened her eyes, and he was closer; he'd edged his chair against hers. "I don't want to make you feel like you have to do anything right now, but the fact is, we don't know what will happen when you return home today. We don't know that you'll be safe."

"That doesn't mean I can just report Doug," she said. "What if I leave? Is that enough?"

He sighed, and shook his head. "I doubt it," he said.

She scrambled for her phone, scrolling through contacts, feeling her heart sink. Josh had a tiny, tiny apartment that he shared with two guys. And every other person in there? Someone who was also good with Doug, who knew him well. She shook her head, realizing that there wasn't a single person in there that she really felt like she could trust, who wouldn't tell Doug where she was. She couldn't go back home; Pennsylvania was too far.

Except...except one.

She frowned, looking at Henrietta Wilson's name. She was the only person besides Josh that Maddie would call a friend who didn't also know Doug. Sure, they didn't know each other that well, but…

"What are you thinking about?" Howie asked.

She came back to the moment, and stared at him.

His hands were still resting on hers, and he quickly pulled them away. "I'm sorry," he began, and she shook her head.

"Don't you have class?" She asked, looking at the clocktower that rested in the middle of the quad.

"It's a light day," he said. "Professor Nash will survive."

"Did you message him, at least?" She asked, feeling awful for messing up his job.

"I did," he said. "I told him I was having an emergency, and I'd give him more details when I could. He said to take the time I needed."

She was still holding her phone, and Howie noticed it.

"I think we have a friend in common," he began. "Hen Wilson." He pointed at her screen, and she flushed.

"I don't even know her, really," Maddie said, ducking her head. "But she's one of two people on my Contacts list that doesn't also know Doug. The other shares the tiniest apartment in California with two other guys, so that's not happening."

Howie smiled. "You should see the place I had when I was a student," he said. "It would give your other's friend's a run for its money, I'm sure."

She almost smiled, looking at the phone in her hand.

"Hen has a big heart," Howie said. "And without telling her story, I think you two might have more in common than you think. And I know that she has an open bedroom right now."

Maddie shook her head, but Howie plowed on.

"I can call her, talk to her," he said. "And then we can go to your apartment and get some things. Okay?"

She didn't know what to say. Maybe a cooling off period was just what she and Doug needed. If they spent time apart, he'd realize what had happened, and he'd fight to get her back.

"Can we hold off on talking to the Title IX coordinator?" She asked, and she saw the conflict in his face.

"I-only if you move out today," he said. "I'll wait until you're ready if you leave today."

She looked at Hen's name in her phone again, and she nodded. "Okay," she said. "Call her."

* * *

Hen barely needed convincing. "I knew there was something wrong with that boyfriend of hers," she said in a quite aside as Maddie and Howie walked into her apartment much later that day. Howie had called Hen, told her what was up, and Hen had said yes, no questions asked. "For now," she'd clarified. "But we can talk later, this is obviously time sensitive."

Howie had taken Maddie to her apartment, and she had made him wait at the door. "I don't need much, really," she said, and had come back out in thirty minutes with two bags.

He'd wanted to tell her to take more, that she might not ever be able to safely walk into that apartment again, but he held his tongue. She was already freaked out, and he could tell that this was her way of making it seem less real.

"You've got all of your electronics?" He simply asked. "Chargers, medications, anything that holds value to you?"

"I'm not taking all of my books," she said, fidgeting with the tie on her bag. "Should I?"

"I have room if you want to," he offered, and she looked torn. "Is there any book that you can't just buy another copy of? Like unless you signed editions, you should be fine."

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Of course. They're just going to slow us down, I don't need them."

That had been the opposite of what he'd been trying to say, but he just nodded, and they left.

She'd been completely silent in the car, staring at her phone, and biting her fingernails.

And here they were, Hen showing Maddie the empty room. "We're about to move," she apologized. "Our lease is up in six weeks, and our other roommate moved out early so we didn't try to decorate. But I moved the futon in there, you won't be sleeping on the floor."

"Thank you," Maddie said. "Really. Thank you."

"Of course," Hen said. "Why don't you take a minute alone, and I'll just talk to Howie?"

Maddie nodded, and Hen stepped from the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

"So what's up?" She asked, walking back over to the couch. Howie sunk down on the opposite end, and gave her the bare bones story of that morning. Hen was shaking her head by the end of it. "God, I hate that," she said, voice low. "Maddie's such a great girl too, you know?"

"They always are," Howie said. "This isn't going to bring up any...memories for you, is it?"

She shook her head. "No. Well, I mean, yeah. But I can handle that. Memories are always there, you know?"

He nodded. "Just know that I'm here if you need me," he said. "And Karen too. Don't just suffer in silence like last time."

"You guys are never going to let me live that down," Hen deflected. "And yes, Howie. I will do better."

* * *

They'd had an early start, so it was four before the calls from Doug started. First texts. **Where are you/I'm at school/What the fuck Maddie/Where are you**

Then calls. Maddie was on the couch with Hen, clutching the phone, listening as it rang out every time.

"You'll feel better if you block him," Hen said. "You stopped sharing location already, right?"

"Yeah," Maddie whispered. "I never had it on, I always lied and said it wouldn't work on my phone since it only set him off."

Hen nodded. Howie had left about twenty minutes ago to meet with Professor Nash, and he'd told both of them to call him if something happened.

"I really didn't mean to blow up your life," Maddie said, watching as her phone rang again. "Like if you need to be studying right now, please do so."

Hen shrugged. "I'm okay for now," she said. "I've been through a similar situation, though, and I don't want to leave you alone."

"I'm sorry," Maddie said. "That's awful."

"Yeah, it was," Hen said. "So I'm here for you, seriously. Karen too."

"Does she mind me being here?" Maddie asked anxiously. "I really don't want to put either of you out."

"It's fine," Hen laughed. "We're all students, I'm sure we'll barely be at the apartment anyway. It is so rare that I'm home in the afternoon."

Maddie tried to not panic at that statement. Hen was already rearranging her schedule.

"Don't do that," Hen said, and Maddie's head jerked up. "You're overthinking what I said about not being here. You are welcome here, seriously. And I am choosing to be here with you this first night because it's where I want to be."

"Thank you," Maddie said, wilting. "I don't know what to say."

"Just say you won't pick up," Hen said. "No matter what he says in those voicemails or texts. Say that you won't go talk to him, or try to reason with him."

Maddie felt taken aback, and she looked down at her phone again.

"I know you don't want to think that this is who he is," Hen said. "And maybe it's not, I don't know. But what I can tell you is that if you go back tonight, if you give in tonight, if you let him think it's this easy...You will always regret it."

Maddie was scared by the intensity of Hen's voice, but she just nodded, trying to make the promise to herself...but she couldn't.


	6. Chapter 6

She wanted to block his number. She really, really did. She stared at her phone, a little past 11, waiting for it to ring again. Every time he stopped calling her heart seized. She wasn't sure if she was afraid of his calls, or if she was afraid that he'd give up. Which was worse? The knot in her stomach couldn't tell her.

She stood up, pacing the small bedroom. Karen had gotten home around seven, and she'd been gracious, warm, and welcoming. Maddie had disappeared to the bedroom around eight to give them some privacy, and she'd been in here for three hours now, doing homework and watching as Doug called...again and again.

She had given in and muted her ringer for a while, but now that her homework was over, she was just sitting there, staring at her phone every time it rang. Sometimes it was five calls back to back. Then there would be a ten minute break before another call, and then maybe even half an hour. She wondered what this pattern meant. She was pretty sure he'd had work, but she wasn't sure if he'd take off work because she'd left. He'd given up on texting-for now, but she was sure that that would restart soon.

He'd mainly just texted her variations of where are you, no pictures, no pleading for her to come back.

Just anger.

That was the main reason why she hadn't given in to his calls yet. She was waiting for him to repent, to say he was sorry.

She slipped from her bedroom, and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge before quickly going back to the bedroom. Her phone was ringing, but to her surprise, it was from her friend Kailey. She had a moment of unease, wondering why Kailey was calling-FaceTiming actually, but she hit the green button.

And there was Kailey, blonde and pretty, looking tipsy. "Mads, you have to cut Doug a break," she slurred. "The man's been calling you all night." She panned the camera, showing a full table at some sort of sports bar. All of her and Doug's mutual friends were there; talking, laughing. Then Kailey panned back to herself, and Doug was there. He was taking the phone.

"Let me talk to my girl," he slurred, and Maddie's heart seized. "I'll be right back."

She watched as he obviously stood up, wanting to hang up, but feeling frozen. Doug had left the table behind, and it was a little quieter; a little easier to hear. "Where the fuck are you, Maddie?" He snapped, as soon as he was away from the group. "I called everyone to make sure that nobody was hiding you away behind my back and no one could tell me. You've humiliated me."

She hung up before he could finish speaking. She didn't know what to say, but she went through the faces she'd seen with him: Kailey, Marie, Ben, Jacob…

She blocked the four numbers. If Doug wanted to call her, that was one thing, but she wasn't going to indulge this crap of him using other people to get to her. She was suddenly grateful that she'd never mentioned Hen to him.

She was lying on the futon, about an hour later, and the light from the streetlights flooded her room since there were no curtains. She was contemplating silencing her phone again, and just sleeping (or trying to) when her phone rang again.

But it was Howie.

She picked up, curious. "Hi," she said softly, definitely not wanting to wake anyone up.

"I'm sorry it's so late," he said. "I had a really long meeting with Nash and I've basically been grading papers since his night class let out. I meant to text, but I didn't want to push things."

"I'm sorry," she immediately apologized. "I never wanted to get you in trouble."

"You didn't," he said. "I just wanted to check in, and see how you are."

"I'm fine," she said, automatically.

He laughed into the phone, and she felt a stirring in her stomach, something that felt dangerously close to butterflies. "Want to try that again?" He asked. "This can't be a good night for you, and you don't need to front with me."

"I don't know," Maddie said slowly. "Doug's been calling. Hen wanted me to block him but I just...couldn't. I picked up when a friend FaceTimed but then I realized Doug was with her, so that was a short call."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I...Is the friend group going to side with Doug?"

She didn't like that question, she didn't like what it implied at all. "There are no sides," she said. "Doug and I aren't...fighting."

"So then what do you think he told them?" Howie asked. "Do you really think he didn't spread lies about this whole situation to them to make sure they believe him and not you?"

She didn't know how to answer that, but she didn't like the feeling she had now. Unease. Would Doug really lie about her? Obviously he wouldn't tell one hundred percent of the truth when it made him look like…

She swallowed. Not when it made him look like an abuser.

"Maddie? You still there?"

"Have a good night, Howie," she said, and hung up the phone, a numb feeling in her stomach. She felt her phone buzz, and looked down. Howie had texted her.

**I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that, I'm sorry.**

She didn't reply. She didn't have the words.

She lay down, put her phone on Do Not Disturb, and covered her face with a pillow...and then she cried herself to sleep.

* * *

"Getting through the first night without going back has to be huge, right?" Howie asked Hen very early the next day, having texted as soon as he woke up, and called her as soon as she replied to his text.

"It's pretty big, but there are a lot of other nights ahead of her," Hen yawned. "Howie, you can't be doing this because you have feelings for her."

"I'm not," he insisted. "You know that I'm not."

"That's not what I meant, I know you'd do this for anyone," Hen began. "But you cannot let yourself fall in love with her right now."

"I can't make any promises like that," Howie said. "But I can and do promise that I'm not approaching her about anything. Me putting any sort of pressure on her is the last thing she needs."

"You're damn right about that," Hen said. "Why don't you go out with Tatiana again? She said you two hit it off."

Howie felt like a button had been pushed on in his brain. He had almost literally forgotten about Tatiana's existence until Hen had mentioned her name. "I don't know, I might have fucked it up," he began.

"She literally texted last night, saying that she'd say yes if you asked her out again," Hen said. "That's not exactly what her text said, but you get the picture."

"Yeah," Howie said, but he wanted to bring back the conversation to Maddie without being obvious. "Um."

"I know you just want to ask about Maddie again," Hen said. "So just spit it out."

"She originally said that because of Doug she couldn't attend class today," Howie said. "I don't know if that changed."

"Let me ask her, actually," Hen said, and there was more than a few moments of silence. Finally, her voice came over the line again. "She's going to sit it out since she already emailed that she'd be absent and she doesn't want to make anyone suspicious."

He sighed. She had so much anxiety. Nash literally wouldn't notice if she showed up after emailing about a probable absence, and none of the students knew.

"Okay," he said. "I guess I'll call back later or something."

"I meant what I said," Hen warned. "I know you're just being your helpful, lovable self, but do not do this, Howie Han."

"Have a good day to you too, Hen," he said, and hung up.

He knew that she was right. Maddie was in a fragile place right now, and the last thing he'd ever do in this situation was try to hit on her. But he also knew that his crush-that-was-more-than-just-a-crush to begin with was already deepening into something more.

He was screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter doesn't hit my word count but it's where the chapter just ... stopped so yea ~Meowser


End file.
